October 30, 2012
Why Men Pull Away – The Number One Reason
Why men pull away in relationships often feels like a great unsolved mystery. When a man pulls away, he may do it in many ways. Perhaps he just contacts you less and less or his texts seem to stop. You one day just realize that you are doing all the initiating. Maybe the terms of endearment are less and less. Sometimes they come out and say they don’t want a relationship or they aren’t sure if they are ready for a relationship. Sometimes they say their jobs are stressful or offer up some other reason for their less than loving behavior.
Men also often pull away after it feels as if they have led you on. This happens when they have been behaving in a way the led you to believe they did want a relationship. It happens after a few dates, or months of dates and sometimes even years of actually being your boyfriend. So what is going on here? Why do men pull away like this, even when you feel you are in a great relationship?
The real reason why men pull away is this.
Almost every time. On some level he feels that you are more invested than he is. I repeat, on some level he feels or maybe even knows that you are more invested than he is. Let me give you an example of how this happens and why men pull away.
Let’s take Jenny and Frank. They met on a dating site. They have been dating now for a couple of months. Frank has been consistent in contact, he takes Jenny out every weekend and sometimes sees her on a weekday if possible. Usually even if a guy is looking for a relationship, he isn’t really thinking of doing it right now. In the meantime, Jenny is projecting into the future.
She begins to act with expectations for in her mind, they are on well on their way, while in Frank’s mind, they have just begun. He has to cancel a date due to work one night. Jenny shows her disappointment and even sulks a bit. Men don’t like to disappoint, trust me. So Frank feels bad. Something else minor may happen, and she again is disappointed and shows it. Frank again feels bad. Men stay with women who make them feel good. If he isn’t feeling good about himself, this is a reason why men pull away.
Frank begins to sense that Jenny wants more than he can give. Now Frank may be perfectly capable of giving a lot, but his interpretation of Jenny’s reaction is that his a lot is not enough for her. He feels she is more invested than he is because she may expect more from him. This causes a loss of balance in the relationship and suddenly he isn’t so sure this is what he wants after all.
You see when a man feels you are more invested, it puts pressure on him. Pressure is often why men pull away. He starts to feel responsible for your happiness. He may suddenly feel as if he just can’t make you happy like you want to be made happy. When a man senses he has let you down, he doesn’t feel good. Might I add that men fall in love with the way you make them feel. It they feel bad with your disappointment, they won’t bond truly with you.
Here is the slippery slope here. Often these men say they don’t want a relationship any longer but would still like to see you. You continue to see him which means to him that you have accepted his terms of no real strings. Then he gets to feel safe again and moves in on you again like before. You then interpret that behavior that maybe he has changed. You again begin to act with expectations and again become disappointed because again he reminds you he isn’t ready for a relationship.
His interpretation of you agreeing to see him anyway is that you are fine with casual. Be very careful here, how you handle it when men pull away is critical. The goal is to make him feel safe, but not at the expense of sacrificing yourself and your needs. Very slippery slope indeed.
A question you may want to ask yourself when men pull away from you is this. Are you rewarding his pulling away behavior. In other words are you trying harder when he pulls away to get his attention back. If so watch out. Rewarding his less attention with more attention is a recipe for disaster and long term issues of probably being taken for granted if the relationship lasts that is.
Why Men Pull Away In Early Stages
It’s a bit different when a man pulls away in the early stages as in you have only been dating a few weeks. During this time other than a bit of common courtesy, you really owe one another very little. In the first few weeks you should just be getting to know one another and not projecting into the future. Many women take this personal and it’s really not to be taken personal. He may have decided you weren’t a good fit for whatever reason. Hasn’t this ever happened to you? Every man you date will not turn into a relationship.
That is why I suggest you learn not to attach too soon to a man or a certain outcome with a man. It takes time to build up trust and a relationship and it doesn’t happen in a few weeks. If he is pulling away or showing inconsistencies, chances are good he would not make a good partner anyway so nothing really big lost.
What to do when men pull away!
When a man pulls away, respect his choices. By questioning and trying to convince him otherwise, you are trying to do his thinking for him. Never a good idea and not the respectful thing to do. When you try to convince, you make it about you with little regard for what he may want. This doesn’t feel good and men stay when they feel good and is a big reason why men pull away.
When men pull away, let them. No drama. You can let him know in a respectful way that although you aren’t happy with his choice, you are aware you can’t force him to feel for you what you feel. He will remember this about you. Your no drama actions will make him feel safe. Give him time to process. He may very well decide that you are worth it after all.
I know you will want to question him about why he pulled away or if he wants to end it, but let it ride for a bit. If it is a case of you are more invested than he is, you pushing will just confirm this for him. If he doesn’t step it back up without your prodding, chances are good you have your answer.
More on why men pull away and exactly what to do about it to get his attention is here at What To Do When He Pulls Away.
Ways to Capture his attention again and have him desire you again here!