Why am I Scared to be Alone – Help for Loneliness

real women real loveAre you scared to be alone?  Is it really is are you scared you are going to end up alone forever?  You aren’t alone.  Many many feel this way.  Some stay in less than satisfactory relationships because of the fear that they may not  find another to love.  Others cling to men who aren’t present in their lives trying to fill that void of lonesomeness.

I can remember after a break up and falling apart one day crying and sobbing.  I was reliving every failed relationship and saying to myself, I am destined to be alone.  I was thinking of all the men that just didn’t get me or understand me.  I was thinking of all the men that had disappointed me and yes, feeling sorry for myself.  I was drowning in self pity and I have never felt more alone in my life than in that moment.  I was playing the victim role and I think I deserved an Oscar!

The problem I had then really wasn’t that I was lonely in hindsight.  It was that I was depending on a man to fill a void in me.  I had a man to blame for this hole in my heart.    Oh if only once a man would remain present with me, all would be right in the world.

The truth that I now realize is that if we are looking to another source outside of ourselves to fill the void and save us from being alone, we will have little control over our lives or our happiness.  This is not the way to overcome the loneliness long term.  A man in our lives is like a band-aid on a deeper wound.  The denial of self or lack of self love.  Until we find that point of self acceptance and contentment with being alone, we risk repeating the same patterns in our relationships over and over.

The root of the fear of being alone or a deep feeling of loneliness is self abandonment.  You are invalidating the life that you have right now and thinking it is second rate.  Is it really?  If you are depending on anyone other than yourself for you emotional well being you are at risk for being abandoned.  Our emotional well being is an inside job.  To hand this job over to another or even think you can do this is a set up for failure and self sabotage at it’s finest.

So how do you overcome this?  How do you learn to take control of your loneliness and fear of being alone?  The first thing I did was stop calling it lonely.  Baby step I know.  How about solitude?  Instead of thinking of the fear of being along, re-frame  it to the joys of solitude!  All the difference in how that statement feels, wouldn’t you agree?

Practice gratitude.  One secret to being happy is to love what you do have.  When we long for what we don’t, it’s saddening.  Also when we are more focused on what we don’t , according the the universal laws, we attract more of what we don’t have.  If you are constantly focused on being alone, you are going to feel more alone than you actually are.  It only makes sense to focus on the good things we do have so that those same universal laws will attract more of the good things into our lives.

Start taking at least 15 minutes a day to just sit in solitude.  No phone, no internet, no tv, just silence.  Talk to your loneliness like an old friend.  Embrace it feel it and imagine just setting it free, like a feather in the wind.  Create visuals to focus on with this.  Rock and sooth yourself.  Give yourself the comfort that you have been longing for from another.  The goal here is to replace the loneliness and sadness with peace and stillness.  Look within for your well being and would bet you won’t be alone forever after all.  A woman who is secure in being alone often becomes a magnet to the opposite sex.

For deeper healing in your relationships, please check out Inner Bonding!

 

 

 

 

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