He Says He Doesn’t Want a Relationship

One thing is for sure when he says he doesn’t want a relationship, something is wrong, he’s not feeling it for some reason. You probably have a million questions for him. You want to know why. Is there someone else? Does he want to date other women? Is it something you did? Can you fix it? Why won’t he try and work it out?

The fact of the matter is you can’t convince a guy to be in a relationship with you when he says he doesn’t want a relationship. He has to feel it and words won’t make him feel it for you. Maybe he just got scared, who knows, but when a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship with you, for the moment, you have to believe him. The more you question, convince, bargain, the further away you will push him.

It’s a good chance that he felt smothered, or he felt you were getting too serious too fast. One thing that triggers this is when the woman begins to give, when he hasn’t even asked her to.  When a woman does this, the man knows she is expecting a commitment, probably sooner rather than later. He knows she is beginning to invest, sometimes this happens before he feels the same. This is acting as  girlfriend, when he hasn’t claimed you as one.

Men like a challenge. If he was coming on strong and you just fell right into the role of couple hood, his challenge may have ended too soon and he became bored.  At first he was feeling it, but when you start clinging or doing too much, he begins to feel it’s not so much fun anymore.

How to Get Him to Connect and Commit

The last man to tell me he didn’t want a relationship with me I believed him. How you react to this can determine if he will or will not come back around. If you hold on tighter, he is not going to ever be yours. When I was told that, I was prepared. I felt the distance before hand. I replied in agreement, not what he expected. He expected drama.

When he says he doesn’t want a relationship, agree with him. Tell him that you understand, he can’t help what he does or doesn’t feel. Yes, you are disappointed, but you deserve a man who does know what he wants and a man who is able to be in a relationship with you. Thank him for his honesty and letting you go to find what you deserve, then shut him down. Go no contact.

This will get his attention. He is used to women trying to fix it, not a woman who is taking care of her own heart. His respect for you will shot through the roof. I know this is hard, but it’s the only way to get his attention, do the unpredictable. Let him walk away, and you do the same with feminine grace.  If he comes back around, great, if he doesn’t, know that you will be fine.  This knowing about yourself gives you power.

How to Get Him to Connect and Commit

What happens during this no contact stage is he starts wondering what you are doing. Did he not mean that much to you? His imagination becomes your best weapon if you want him back. The mystery is back, you are once again a challenge. The last man that told me this and I agreed and gracefully walked away stayed gone for over a month. He did come back. I didn’t keep him, but that’s not the point is it?

When a man tells you he isn’t ready for a relationship or he doesn’t want a relationship,what he really usually means is he doesn’t want a relationship with you or just isn’t sure.  Don’t’ push it, respect his wishes.  Pushing to get what you want if you really think about it is quite selfish.   It shows him you may not really respect him as a man.


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34 Responses to “He Says He Doesn’t Want a Relationship”

  1. joyce says:

    I dated a guy for 3weeks now….and he told me beforehand that he doesnt want a relationship.we agreed…no commitments.yesterday we argued about sending messages.and later on…he told me to stop contacting him til next week.I said fine! And I even said bye.after an hour….I saw his missed call and he left a message saying”talk to you next week”.just wondering why…..should I just wait? But im missing him so bad…

    • Robin in Carolina says:

      Why are you contacting him? He said he didn’t want a relationship, so that is your clue to not pursue as that will make him feel like you didn’t hear him and that you do want a relationship. When a guy tells you to stop contacting him for any length of time, chances are good you have annoyed him. Leave him be and let him contact you please or you risk looking desperate.

  2. vernoreen says:

    hi everyone

    well with me I met this guy got his number and told him I want t get to know him he wa excited cause he also was looking to get to know me.

    so chatted for a while until he told me aftertwo weeks he cant give me what i want as his not redy for a relationship and that maybe we should leave one another alone i went crazy

    the next day i texted him told him im sorry i pushed him that far and that we should be friends and we agreed

    now we are friends but we flirt and stuff not sure what to do we hvent met up or went on a date i really want t get to know him should i not contact him for a while see if he gets back to me first what do i do please help

    • Robin in Carolina says:

      He has told you that he can’t give you what you want, so believe him. Here is where women set themselves up for heartbreak. They refuse to believe it when a guy isn’t on the same page and they keep hanging on hoping he really didn’t mean it. What you do is keep your options open and keep dating others.

  3. g says:

    I was seeing this guy for about a month or so and I made the mistake of rushing him and acting needy when that wasn’t my intention at all. Instead of just enjoying our time together, I can see now how it felt like pressure to him.
    He eventually said that he wasn’t ready for anything and now we hardly speak.
    I haven’t been begging or trying to talk to him but I sent him a short email maybe 2weeks ago just saying “sorry if i made you feel bad in anyway, our time together was special but I can sense that you don’t want to carry on getting to know each other anymore so I’ll leave you alone for the mean time. If you need me, I’m here for you”. (Something along those lines).

    He then contacted me saying that he just didn’t want to cause any trouble and that he thought he made me say things that I didn’t want to. He said he “still likes me but was put off with the whole idea and stuff”.
    I said “I just wanted to spend time together and have a good time together” and he said “that’s what I wanted too”. I then said ” well do you still want that” to which he replied ” of course, your a lovely girl why wouldn’t I”

    Then hardly nothing, he contacted me about a week ago after a few days silence saying “Hello, How are you”?. I replied back later the next day as it was late. He hasn’t texted me back at all and it’s been a week. I can also see that he’s read it.
    Why would he contact me and then when i reply, he ignores it? What should I do and how do you gain back a guy’s interest once you have messed up?

    • Robin in Carolina says:

      He is checking to see if you are still there waiting on the back burner for him. The only thing you can do is stay in no contact. Anything else you do will just make it obvious that you are still more invested in him than he is into you.

  4. g says:

    Yea your right! In general, I never got the impression that he is one of those guys who like to play games as hes told me before he doesn’t do it. He’s the opposite, like if you go no contact or play hard to get for example, then he will take it as if the girl is not interested and move on. He’s actually a really nice person but anyway, I will stay no contact because that’s all I can do really, I do still like him but I value myself more to not make contact.
    It was only like a month or 2 that we were seeing each other, is that even enough time for someone to still remember you/miss you?

    PS. Your advice is great Robin and so is your videos. Your my favorite in terms of relationship advice on the net :)

  5. […] is the slippery slope here.  Often these men say they don’t want a relationship any longer but would still like to see you.  You continue to see him which means to him that you […]

  6. Cindy says:

    I have dated my boyfriend for 4 years&6months we broke up a month ago and on Valentines day he asked me out on a date which I accepted too. He opens up to me about how he feels towards me, he is still in love with me! He says he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now, because the problems we had and the problems he had to deal with. I told him we can start over again not in the bad relationship were left off. I told him that then why does he still try to make me happy, text me every morning, think of me, miss me, find things only me n him can do as a couple if he doesn’t want to be in a relationship.He said “fine then i’ll stop all of this ok bye”. I just wrote “You can try to stop but you can’t because your heart will feel what it wants and you can try to deny your feelings is just going to hurt you!”

    By the way we broke up because he started hanging out with friends and started doing things behind my back. I told him I could look pass that just because I am a fair person and I did things behind his back too. He first blamed me for not being mature about the relationship, and that to him I still wanted to “do my own thing”, when in reality it was him!. Our break up is very confusing, because he said things and would take it back or change his mind. About 2 weeks ago he stood me up for the first time after 4 years and I told him off, so he told me I was nothing to him anymore& there was nothing between us and a week later he said he did not mean it, that he just got upset and said it because I didn’t let him explain himself! &that I meant everything to him! (this is one of many of things he said! and I just feel like he is not sure about his own decision because he says he does not want a relationship yet acts like he does)

    please help me! I don’t know what to do,
    I stopped talking to him.

    • Robin in Carolina says:

      Go in no contact and visit my forum on here. Post your comment there and I assure you that you will get lots of helpful insight.

  7. jesie says:

    Hi I have been dealing with similar issues with a guy I’ve been dating four years we started out as friends and had known each other two years prior and everything was cool but then we started sleeping together he was single and so was I so after a year I started to catch feelings for him and I asked him about a relationship. And his first. Reaction was well sir i got slot going on right now and I have issues but if I were ready for a relationship you would be the perfect girl for me so I took that as a sign to fall back and withdraw so with me doing that we still hung out only when in a group of friends but when a another guy trust to talk to me there is him blocking and getting upset So fattest we had stop talking for a year and the he hit me up saying he missed me and wanted to see so I met up with him and he asked why we stop talking an d I told him bcuz he didn’t want a relationship. And has since then started dating again but he wen he talks about his future he uses the we term anso I am confused as to what he wants bcuz he says he doesn’t want a relationship. But he keeps contacting me saying I’m the only girl he’s sleeping with but he does tell me about the other girls he has dated I REALLY NEED HELP UNDERSTANDING THIS GUY SHOULD I WALK AWAY OR CONTINUE. TO BE PATIENT. AND DATE OTHERS ASWELL

    • Robin in Carolina says:

      By all means yes date others. When a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, he means it. If you are sleeping with him he has the best of both worlds. he has zero motivation to step it up as long as you accept this relationship on his terms.

  8. Tracy says:

    I am living with my ex, lost my job a few years ago when my son (not his) started having issues in school. I recently started making money again and am saving to move out… So I met this gym a couple years ago and we started talking and sort of had a little fling (after my ex and I broke up) but then he asked me what I wanted from him, what was I expecting, I told him nothing and that I enjoyed our time together. Shortly after he said he was going through some family stuff and needed to be alone, I told him I respected that and we didn’t talk for a while unless we ran into each other in public and we would smile and say hi… A few months ago he sent me a message and we started talking again, he said he just wants a friendship and maybe just for fun stuff, I said that was ok with me for now…
    So it started maybe once every couple weeks and now at least twice a week he comes over and we will sit and talk for a few hours and then end up having a little fun, but it seems to have changed… The way he looks at me, he wants to snuggle and hold hands and comes by just to spend quiet time with me holding me, no fun stuff. We have gone out together once and are again this weekend, in public where we both know a few people, we sit together but no pda. He says he likes me a lot and he respects me and my living situation.
    Should I stick this out and keep it going? I love the way he makes me feel and always makes sure I’m happy… Is it possible that he could be falling for me and there could be something more later on? Why are men so confusing and conflicting?

    • Robin in Carolina says:

      You are in a friends with benefits situation. He has told you he just wants friendship, so for now, take him at his word. He really has no motivation to seek more as he has the best of both worlds now. I suggest you visit my forum and post this question there to get a lot of good feedback.

  9. Anna says:

    Hi my bf broke up with me after we moved in for about a year. This year was our 10th anniversary. I thought me cooking and cleaning would show him I was a dedicated gf and would make a great wife.

    Instead, he broke up with me. He said he wasnt himself and he didn’t know who he was or was at the time and place (we dated from when we turned 19. we are now 30). He said he needed to have a career and really be alone for a while.

    He said he loved me and cared for me but he couldn’t be the man I needed now (a husband and financial equal). He said he needed to let me go. He said he could be making the biggest mistake of his life, but he hated watching me hurt. He said he needed time. and if he came back he would be more than ready to continue onto a higher commitment with me. If he said I met someone, then he would lose his chance.

    He said he didn’t want me to wait… and no, he is not seeing anyone else and he won’t for a long time.

    what does this mean?

    • Robin in Carolina says:

      It means exactly what he said it means. he is breaking up with you. He knows he isn’t in the same place as you so he is leaving to avoid leading you on further or hurting you more. You cooking and cleaning and showing him you would be a great wife probably drove this home to him even more. He was very aware that you wanted something more than he did. I commend him for setting you free and not stringing you along.

  10. […] may not know what he wants but he does know that he doesn’t want a relationship with you.  If a guy tells you that he doesn’t know what he wants, chances are good he has […]

  11. Charlene says:

    Hi guys. I have been dating this guy for about 6 months now. We met last week of January 2014. But anyways. This guy kept texting me every single day. He would text me good morning messages everyday, he wouldn’t miss a single day. He would always text me throughout the day, he would tell me where he is, what he is doing at work, when he is out with his friends, and when he’s home and when he’s off to sleep and such. He would even tell me his agenda when he has his days off and what his plans are. And also not only that, he would ask me out once a week, he would make sure we hang out once a week when he has his days off. He usually gets 3 or 4 days off, but he makes sure to spend one of those days with me. But here’s the thing though, whenever we hang out, we’d only hang out for like 3-4 hours maximum. But we’ve gone out to kayaking, watching movies, mostly lunch, we’ve gone out to dinner once, and he took me shooting as well. We’ve never slept together but I’ve been to his places multiple times, we’d only kiss and make out, nothing further though. He’d try to unbutton my shirt and would stop kissing me and would nicely ask me to leave. I’d think that he’s such a gentleman for spending time with me without having sex and the fact that it’s been 6 months already. But anyways, I’ve kept my distance from this guy before because I didn’t wanna fall for this guy too hard, but he would always reach out to me. He’d always keep texting me and ask me what my schedule looks like. Obviously, I would think that this guy is interested. I mean I’ve dated guys before and if they’re not into the girl, they wouldn’t even bother wasting their time or hang with them, you know. But this guy seems different. We hung out on Sunday to watch the World Cup. He asked me on Friday what I was doing on the weekend and he suggested to watch the World Cup with him, and I said sure. So when Sunday came, he told me that the game starts at 3 and not to forget. So we went to watch the game, and went back to his place for a bit and we talked and kissed. He asked me to leave nicely because he said he had to call his parents and he’s gonna have to do some homework later that night. I got a little confused because why can’t he call his parents when I’m around or you know, ask me to sleep over, or even hang out with me more just like being lazy. So I did leave his place without kissing him, he said “No goodbye kiss, I see how it is”, so I went back and gave him a kiss. When I got home, he texted me saying he just finished talking to his parents and he was about to grab some dinner. My friends would always tell me to ask this guy where we are standing and where it’s going. I would always tell my friends that I’d want to enjoy his company at first and just wait for the right time to ask, I didn’t wanna rush things at first. But then it came to the point that I couldn’t hold it off anymore and that I just needed to ask. It’s like every time I see him and hang out with him, I just find myself falling for him and I couldn’t stop it. So I did popped the question and asked him “So where do you think this is going?”, I texted it to him. And I got a reply saying “I like hanging with you a lot but not relationship ready”. Boom. I was kinda prepared for his answer but I was hurt as well. I felt like he led me on. I mean, com’on. Why would he ask me out once a week? Why would he always kiss me when we’re out and wrap his arms around me when we’re out? Why would he waste his time texting good morning every single day and texting me all day everyday? And why would he even waste his time? Why would he do that if he just wanted to be friends? I just don’t get it. But anyways, when he said that he wasn’t relationship ready. I walked away and texted him “It was nice knowing you”. And he asked if I wanted to stay friends, and I just replied with “No sorry, have a good one”. And he just replied with “Ok…. Nice knowing you too!”. It’s been three days now that we haven’t texted each other and this is actually the first time since the day we’ve met that we are going no contact. It is pretty hard because we got use to the habit of seeing each other’s text on our phones but I have to do what I’ve gotta do. Now I am hurting, I am sad because I miss him and that he only sees me as a friend, and I’m mad. I don’t know what to do. Please help me.

    • Robin in Carolina says:

      He has told you where you stand, now you must believe him. He didn’t lead you on so no reason to be mad at him. He didn’t make you promises. Hanging out and spending time with someone does not equal wants a relationship. You went along with it, so that really makes you just as guilty of leading him on to think you were okay with casual.

  12. Helen says:


    I was seeing this guy for a month and we both initiated a lot of plans and we saw eachother 2-3times a week for the month. He was always very affectionate but also told he’s not really sure what he’s looking for. last week, he freaked out and told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship the way I am. I took it calmly and told him I agreed. He jokes and said we’d just take it casual. Last night, we made plans to have dinner. Everything was going so well until he told me he think it’s best that we end things because he’s always been the monogamous long term relationship guy and he never got to see what else is out there. He wants to date around and since dating me is going so well he feels like he is falling back into the monogous mode. he doesnt want to feel like he’s missing out in life. I know it’s only been a month but considering how often we saw eachother I was falling fast and that really hurt me. He said we should be friends but is unsure if I can handle it. I really like him and now I don’t know what to do… as a friend I told him to do whatever makes him happy but as me I am upset with his decision. I didnt beg but I did ask him to reconsider… should I just leave him be?

    • Robin in Carolina says:

      Give him his space. You can’t force a relationship with someone who doesn’t want one. I would not stay friends with him. That makes his transition into single life easy while prolonging yours.

  13. Vanessa says:

    Hello Carolina.
    Firstly. We are at the no contact phase as of last week. I did a lot of thinking before I ended things with a man I’d been seeing for 7 weeks. Problem is…. He’s 20 and I’m 32. Crazy age gap yes but it was never expected to go as far as a few dates and maybe fun… Until we both realised that eachothers company became special unique and very different to other partners in past. We eventually did sleep with eachother and things were going fine until I became a little concerned about where things were headed, especially with the age difference. And after sleeping together numerous times,. I felt the urge to bring up whether or not he was open to more if things kept progressing… i admitted that i was stunned at how much i enjoyed being with him and never imagined it to be anything more than 1 date and sex…. but we have built a beautiful friendship also. He admitted that too… But assumed what I was starting to feel was more advanced to where he was at and agreed he wasnt ready to jump into anything too soon and keep things going at this pace. so i decided after our talk that perhaps to cool things just to clear our heads and re balance as the talk got into feelings territory. So we cooled it and went for some time out. He’s extremely mature, very respectful and very sensitive to me… As I said, I’ve not met many men of his standard. He is a boy and I treat and refer to him exactly as a man.. Because he is very much so a man in my eyes.
    2 days later he insisted we speak. It was in regards to him feeling guilty to agreeing to having ‘space’ he wasnt quite sure how long he was entitled to and I immediately sensed fear had sunken into his head about commitment. So I assured him space was unlimited, be that days, weeks or months. I assured him I didn’t want to lose what we had but I think space was a good thing for us both, i added that if either of us just wanted to talk or message in the meantime then that definitely fine too…this was so we could atleast miss eachothers company and come back clear headed and proceed like normal or maybe progress if he wanted to. He felt suddenly relieved and assured again.. So did I. Then 2 days later he wanted to talk. Ugh I felt an immediate door closing… Even after we discussed things twice. So, I asked was he ok? What was the matter? He said, its better in person. I felt that it couldn’t wait and for me at that point if he wanted to end things,. He should just end it without agreeing to space or time out if it wasnt what he really wants. So, he was having another moment of doubt, I agreed to see him and so he visited me after his shift. He came in and sat down like normal and I said,. Well… What’s up? But he had nothing to say. then it dawned on me that It seems to both him and me, that when were not together we both become doubtful… (All after the talk this started happening) like he became scared of emotions but yet when he’s with me, it’s where he wants to be.. No doubts, we are both like peas in a pod. He admitted that too and dosnt know why when he goes home he wakes up feeling disinterested or burdened. Weirdly I was feeling like this too sometimes. I then thought, maybe were both scared but can’t help how we feel when were together? He decided he didn’t want anymore space but to resume what we were doing back to normal…as all the talk was complicating what was really happening between us when were together. So we agreed,. but we both suggested to take the emotion talk down a few notches.
    So we became intimate and within a few moments, I asked him whether it was ok to say I’d missed him in the few days?… He awkwardly replied… Well were not taking things to the level of missing eachother yet remember we agreed. Right there,. I felt in my heart I needed to cut ties… Because I realised I was even more invested than i was a week before. I ended things with him that night. He was very saddened. He panicked and serached for a solution to keep things going… when i explained that i would need to stop all contact and that it wasnt possible to be friends because i was a few steps ahead with emotions,. i just felt like he may not catch up to that point ever…He was very saddened.. he had tears welling in his eyes. i told him I just realised when I couldn’t be free with my feelings that the taking emotions down a few notches wasnt actually going to work for me. Something had changed that night and things felt like he was holding back to maybe not hurt me or lead me on in a way because he was not at the point I am. I opened the door kissed him goodbye and he left. I fell into tears. My friend just departed from my life I felt because I couldn’t keep hold of my emotions and doubts… Yay for me.
    Anyway.. The next day I messaged to apologise about how clean cut i was about things but I guess I got scared and just didn’t want to be hurt months later if he wasnt open to anything more. I wished him well and also stated that i felt i had lost somrone specisl because of my emotions.. but if things in time change on his behalf about us,. that he knew where to find me.
    He responded almost immediately. He seemed pleased that I hadn’t decided to cut him off completely and stated that I had not lost him and he was relieved to know that I was still there for him too. (I guess as an option) (I dunno) he ended the message with,.. And who knows what will happen with time,. As you always say, nothing is ever certain. I replied: yes you’re right about that, nothing is certain. As I said.. Be good and you know where I am.
    Its now been a week no contact. I’m feeling the urge to reach out… But I know by reading your column.. It wouldn’t be right to. I feel maybe he took my last message as ‘only message me if you change the way you feel’ so its now just more pressure.. But what else can I do.. This is how I feel and I think if he likes what we had enough he will need to see that and make the move towards me. Have I done the best thing for us. I know he is young but,. This really is no different to any other relationship. Or maybe because he feels I’m older that this relationship if he proceeds with it, will be significant and he will be locked in. Can you please give me some insight? I’m very sad that I ruined what we had established with emotions. I just feel that no contact is the best way to move on/and or/ let him realise things for himself. Maybe he just wasnt invested at all. I miss him. This sucks.

    • Robin in Carolina says:

      You did the right thing. This guy is fine with things the way they are and it’s obvious that he doesn’t want more. Please read my new blog posts on Scared men.

  14. Vanessa says:

    But yes.. Your column has made me see that if a man is not ready.. Then no convincing and probably no more time together will bring that closer to one. They have to feel it,. And they are the ones that have to claim you. I just guess the way I see things is,. I’m incredible looking for 32.. And he never seemed like age was the issue. I think I damaged things by having the talk too soon. Have I gone about the no contact thing the right way?.. Or has my last message left him with the idea that he’s free to mk up his mind when it suits him. And for future reference if something like this occurs again with my relationships… Do you just completely cut off no apologies or messages the following day? I just felt with him I wanted things to be completely respectful and decent. Thanks for your advice. And great column. So empowering.

    • Robin in Carolina says:

      You are way over thinking this. It’s simple really. I am sure he cared about you, but he did not care enough to fear losing you. This man was not in love. The talk and your show of emotions just brought this truth out sooner rather than later. I am sorry you are hurting. One thing I can agree on is you just never know what will happen.

  15. Suzanne says:

    Hi Robin,

    I was dating a guy for 3 months that I really liked. We were seeing each other 1-2 times every week. About a month in I wanted to know where things “stood” so I had the talk with him. He said he wanted to take things slow but agreed it had potential to become more serious down the line. So I continued to see him for 2 more months. Things changed and fell into a routine where I was driving to his place every Tuesday after work (I worked in his area this day) we would grab coffee, hang out, watch a movie, and hook up. I realized I had become the person putting in all the effort and was beginning to resent it.

    One night, I talked to him calmly and mentioned that we had been seeing each other for a whole and wanted to know how he was feeling about things. He seemed surprised by the question and said he enjoyed spending time with me but still wasn’t 100 percent on things yet. I said that was fine but I also explained that it didn’t feel right that I was the only person putting in effort with the driving and communication during the week. I said if things were to continue the way they were I wanted more effort on his end, either reaching out more often or offering to help with some of the driving. He said he understood but I didn’t get an answer from him. I didn’t hear anything from him for 3 days.

    Finally he messaged me on Facebook saying that he thought about what I said and agreed I brought up valid points. I said I was glad he could see things from my perspective and asked what could change moving forward. He said “I’m not sure, I did really enjoy getting to know you and I don’t want to hurt your feelings but I think with the way things are and where we are in life currently a serious relationship wouldn’t be the the right thing”

    I was really upset but I told him I agreed HE wasn’t ready and we were clearly in different places. I said I enjoyed getting to know him too but that stringing me along while he took his time “figuring things out” was a messed up thing to do and that I was angry with him. I said since he wasn’t sure about going forward, to not even bother and that while we were in the same circle of friends there was no need for him to act as if nothing had changed.

    He messaged back saying he was sorry things didn’t work out and that he never intended to hurt me. He said he thought we were on the same page as far as taking it slow and figuring out what we we wanted. He said it seems I was more serious than he thought and he apologized for the way things went.

    I said I was upfront with what I was looking for and that I didn’t want to deal with bs and while I said I was ok with taking it slow, I didn’t want to be jerked around. I told him he needed to remember I gave him a chance, included him in my life, drove to him after work, and spent time with him that not everyone gets. I told him to think it over and maybe he’d understand why I was so angry. I told him I was never 100 percent at any point but I cared about him and wanted reciprocation. I said that I didn’t think that was a lot to ask but it seemed like a lot to him. I told him I didn’t know what the deal was and it wasn’t my problem but I could be treated better than this.

    He never responded to that message but Facebook shows me he read it. I’ve been no contact ever since for the past 5 weeks. We are still friends on Facebook. Do you think there’s a chance he could eventually come around and want me back? Thank you for your advice.

    • Robin in Carolina says:

      His actions told you all along where you stood. Most likely he did figure you were okay with this as you continued to stay and put in the effort when it wasn’t being returned. Guys will only get away with as much as you allow. Before you start placing so much blame on him, you may want to take a look at your actions and how you enabled this little bit of effort on his part, possibly right from the beginning. If a guy isn’t calling and making an effort to see you and you are doing all the work, he has no reason to step it up.

      As far as will he come back. I have no idea. I would say that there is a better chance not that you have shown respect for yourself and walked away. A guy will respect you as much as you respect yourself. Best of luck to you.

  16. KB says:

    I read your article, and it made me feel a lot better. Still sad but I know everything will be ok,I was seeing this guy for about 7 months now and everything was good and we talked everyday. He is about 3 years younger than me and he always liked me. But we have good times, I still get a bit confused but he stated he didnt want a relationship right now, but it was possible and he sees us being together in the future. That was about 2 months ago. We are long distance about 3 hours away. I was looking at moving away and or back to the town where he lives. He convinced me to move back to the same city as him. Which is good because I am closer to my family. He helped me look for apartments and now that I a and Ilived in that city before.I am moving this weekend, I grew a bit concerned. Because now says he may be leaving in 6 months to drive trucks out of state and wanted to tell me face to face. But since I called him to ask where we stand as far as being together, he told me to focus on me and he will focus on him and the relationship may come, thats it is possible. I am always being hurt so I asked him was he seeing someone else and he stated, he is only seeing money and wanted to focus on his career. I told him, I understand and didnt mind dating him until he moves and that we will always be friends and lovers. Did I make the right decision? I have accomplished alot and have been by myself before but I really enjoy our time together.

  17. F says:

    Hi Robin,

    I’ve been dating this guy for almost 2 months. I met him through social media and after talking for many days he told me he really liked me and he didnt ever expected something like this. He has broken up a 7 year relationship last year and he said I was the first girl who date and the first girl he was interested in since that, although he had met and had sex with other woman. We had an excellent first date, we feel very attracted to each other and he and he wrote me every single day.

    Two days after he invited me to dinner in his house and we slept together. Our sex was perfect and he told me he really liked me again. The next day he texted to invited me to his house to sleep together again. I said I ‘d prefer to take it slowly and, guess what, he said what I didnt want to hear: he doesnt want a relationship for the moment, he consider that idea out of his mind after his last relationship and he wants to take his career as a priority, he also consider to study in another country eventually. However, he ask me to date not so informal: he want to sleep with me but also talk, have dates, going dinner, etc. He also has the idea of travelling with me. And something important is that we agree in seeing each other exclusive, althogh he wants to keep it “in low profile” from family and friends in the begging. I agree with this situacion because I liked him very much and, of course, thinking that I could fix it to something serious in future.

    Now, we hardly text few times a week, we see each other once a week or less and every date leads to sex. His excuse to “disappear” was that he was bussy and also that he doesnt think its neccesary to text everyday as we are not a couple, he would write me when he wants to and he told me to do so. I said I wont date someone who is not interested in talking to me and since that he started to contact me again. His text was sth like this: you know you can text me whenever you want, dont you?

    I dont know what to do. Im sure I want another kind of relationship, I wanna get sth serious for me and Im waiting more. But I like him very much and I dont want to be alone neither.

    Should I be sincere and honest to him telling what I really want? I hope he realise he really wants me after the chance of losing me. But Im not sure and thats whats make me doubt because I like him very much.

    Please help me.

    • Robin in Carolina says:

      He has made it very clear here but I don’t think you are listening. He will gladly continue the relationship, on his terms. The buys with work is an excuse to keep you at arms length and keep you from attaching further. Please don’t fall for this. You are a friends with benefits. As long as you continue to see him on his terms you are telling him you are okay with this. If you want more, I think you would do better to let this one go and find a man that is on the same page as you. He is not. Sorry, I know not what you want to hear. Keeping you away from family and friends is very telling. He doesn’t see you as someone to be in a relationship with. Don’t take it personal. You deserve better.

  18. Feeling Blue says:

    Hi Robin,

    I met a guy in a bar at the end of November. We had 5 dates between December and February (all of which I initiated and were several weeks apart). On the fourth date we made out on the sofa and he was obviously ‘excited’, I gave him the opportunity to stay over but he left. I got way ahead of him and stupidly after our fifth date I made the mistake of asking what was going on because I was frustrated that he wasn’t initiating. He told me he really enjoyed my company but wasn’t sure he wanted anything more at the moment and that he hadn’t meant to lead me on and didn’t want me to think it was going to lead to anything after 3 months. I accepted this without drama and went no contact but we then saw each other on a night out shortly after, he saw me talking and dancing with another guy. The next day he began texting me again asking about the guy.

    We have a real connection and a very flirty texting relationship. We rarely go more than a few days without texting which quite often gets a little naughty! After another few weeks I then asked him why he was still contacting me and if he wanted to go out again, to which he again told me he would do something as friends as he really enjoys my company and that he doesn’t normally stay in contact like this with people he’s not dating anymore. I told him friends was fine but that the flirting needed to stop, I also asked him why he hadn’t stayed over when I gave him the opportunity and he said he hadn’t wanted to use me for one thing.

    The flirting didn’t stop, roll on a few more weeks and he’s suggesting we ‘catch up’ (he knew I’d had two dates with the guy from the bar), I had to nail down firm plans and the date ended with him kissing me on the cheek. He then initiated another date a couple of weeks later during which he was talking about “next time” etc (major progress I thought). We had two further dates both of which I had to initiate, he again tried to leave at the end of the night by kissing my cheek…I asked him to “come here” i.e. for a proper kiss and he just said “I can’t”.

    At this point I’d had enough but he just doesn’t leave me alone, I went a week without texting him and then he says I’ve been very quiet recently, asked me if I’m bored of him and that he misses talking to me. He kept dropping hints that he’d like to spend time with me but I told him if he wants to see me he needs to initiate plans. So he did, he invited me round to his house for a three course candle lit dinner and then sent me home with a kiss on the cheek again. Afterwards I again asked him what was going on and whether he like me in that way or not…he again replied saying “I enjoy your company and it was great to see you”, I pushed him further and he said he “doesnt feel like he clicks with me in that way”. I told him I felt like he’d lead me on and he just said I thought you were ok with just going out now and again as “friends”. Ive told him that I’m hurt and upset and that I cant do “just friends” right now and that I feel like a fool because I keep turning down other nice guys because of how much I like him. He told me he understood and apologised several times for hurting me. Ive now been doing no contact for 2 and half weeks, i told him I need space to get my head on straight. I saw him out in a bar again on Saturday and I just said hi, smiled and walked past and he looked very sad.

    From reading your posts, I think he likes me and my company and is into me but I think he really just doesnt want anything more than a casual “friendly” relationship and I really do want more. When we text it sometimes gets very sexual and he brings up the fact that he cant believe he went home that night alot but in person all he seems to want to do is kiss my cheek!

    Have I done the right thing in cutting contact?


  19. […] the excuse we women hear from men is that he doesn’t want a relationship or he isn’t ready for a relationship. Where does this leave you and what can you do about it? […]

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  21. […] can describe this is to give an example. You start seeing a man and he tells you from the beginning he isn’t looking for a relationship. You get attached anyway and think you can change that. You begin to project what you want onto […]

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